the ipod story

edited: recently while roaming around my old TMobile gallery, i found this bad cameraphone picture of the iPod in question:

i told this story once but lost it in the years of blogging which disappeared during the dark days. i shall attempt to recreate:

when chris’s mom died, we got a little money, and as per my insistence, spent a good bit on electronics. there was my late, beloved ZD8000, and, there was my iPod. it was a … i forget which gen, it was a twenty gig with a monochrome screen, all soothing blue. i remember the day i bought it at target (pronounced tar-zhay), brought it home, and immediately had a fierce attack of buyer’s remorse — what, in the fuck, had i just spent (what was it) $300 on? but then i opened the box, and held the shiny thing in my hand, and all that melted away. it was like hand-candy, and i was in love.

for the next few … however long it was, the iPod was my constant companion, i would extol its virtues to anyone who’d listen, showing them the slick clickwheel & going on & on about having my entire collection of music (which is life) with me all the time.

and then came a bad night. & by bad night i mean, i don’t remember if it was when i heard the first rumor, which was that Jonathan Raffetto had been killed in a car accident, or when i learned the truth, that he’d hung himself in his garage. it was one of those things, both unthinkable. the singer/songwriter of the happiest days of my whole life was gone.

and, being an individual who always makes good life choices, i decided the prudent course of action at that juncture in my history, would be to purchase a couple of large, toxic cans of extra-gravity ‘beer’ and listen to the Jonathan Raffetto Band on repeat on my sweet white headphones.

awesome idea, right? well, then i had to pee. & so i went to the bathroom & somehow as i stood up my hand caught the headphone cord & yanked the iPhone from my back pokect & ‘plunk’ it fell in the toilet.

now, i am toilet-squeamish. i will not clean a toilet without gloves to my elbows, a long handled brush, & a queasy feeling in the pit of me – but, let me tell you – no matter how toilet-averse you are, if you drop your beloved iPod in one, you will reach into a peed-in toilet so fast your head will spin. and not just because you’re really drunk on toxic beer.

so i retrieved the iPod from the pee. it was, of course, off & would not power on**. it was dead. at that point, my future ex-boyfriend informed my drunk ass that he knew how to bake electronics. (note: if anyone ever tells you they know how to bake electronics, do NOT believe them. this is very important.) anyway. he put the iPod in the oven, & then soon after, informed me that it was getting really hot. so, i told him, take it out! but he had a better idea: he decided instead to just open the broiler door.

opening the broiler door lets cool air into the oven, which makes the oven burner burn harder. well, we know that now, don’t we? we do.

a little while later, he retrieved the iPod from the oven. it had melted the pretty clickwheel into a warped mess, and baked the ‘hold’ switch in the ‘held’ position. so now that it was not just dead but *really really* dead, well, he cracked it open just to see what was inside. who wouldn’t?

a month went by, with the popped-open ipod sitting on my art table, twisted, forlorn, eviscerated. eventually, finally, i was ready to confront the extent of my loss. i was going to make it into an art project, perhaps. but — just for the sheer fuck of it — i decided to plug it in. and when i did, the apple came onto the screen, and it proceeded to charge. the hard drive and its contents were intact & functional, indeed the only thing wrong with it was that it had been melted & pried open.

the iPod lived for a good year after that, held together with a rubber band in my purse. since it was baked into the hold state, i had no way to use the controls, but i had one of those headphones with the play/pause/forward/back controls (for beware, when you get an iPod it is much like a Barbie, it immediately needs a Malibu Dream House, a Corvette, and a boyfriend, oh yes, you will buy accessories) but anyway. it remained chargeable & playable for a ridiculously longer time than it should have, and kept me company though the even darker times that followed the night it should have, but did not, die.

i have not yet replaced it, instead making do with smartphones with unreasonably large micro-sd cards the size of a pinky fingernail, & thinking one day i may be ready for another iPod.

i’m still attached to my first iLove though.

** this likely what saved it. when the headphones are disconnected, the iPod turns off because it assumes you are not listening, & wishes to save you from draining your battery. so, all it got was wet. if it had not turned off, it would have shorted out.

Posted in music of the spheres
13 comments on “the ipod story
  1. qmccoy says:

    This is amazing. This needs to be an Apple commercial. Fuck the colored dancing silhouettes…this is way better.

    qmccoy´s last blog post..jQuery with a 12 year old

  2. Linkmeister says:

    Oh my. Planned obsolescence not a part of Apple’s goals, I guess.

    Linkmeister´s last blog post..What Are You Doing, New Year’s Eve

  3. qmccoy says:

    dont use such large words with a drunk man! SHAME!

    qmccoy´s last blog post..jQuery with a 12 year old

  4. lizard says:

    dude i was completely hammered when i wrote that. com-plete-ly. ha-mmer-ed.

  5. qmccoy says:

    well i am cum-pletly hammered right now….and i just got that a little while ago…and your clock on your blog is wonky…and one more thing….

    HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR LIZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    qmccoy´s last blog post..jQuery with a 12 year old

  6. lizard says:

    i know i’ve been meaning to fix the clock thing.

    and, happyfuckingnewyear. i’ve started a 365 project at flickr. picture of something random, every day, for a year. http://flickr.com/groups/365random/

  7. lizard says:

    is it fixed? let’s see.

  8. Claude says:

    Just loved the story!

    Claude´s last blog post..A dog’s life?

  9. r@d@r says:

    wait a second – they make smartphones with micro SD card slots??!!?? how much do they cost?? and can i buy them online?????

    oh, wait, sorry. googly googly google goo.

    r@d@r´s last blog post..my advice for today

  10. cedar says:

    nice story…sorry about the ipod; he would have laughed to know you dropped it in the toilet listening to him

  11. Citizenx says:

    Your public misses you.
    Is there somewhere else I should be looking?
    … just saying.

    Citizenx´s last blog post..Looking for America

  12. lizard says:

    in the midst of a lot of 70 hour work weeks, i make time to flickr & plurk, that’s about it. i might just turn this into a photo blog and just blog about my pictures or something, i might be able to do that. i think.

    otherwise, blogging, reading blogs, and doing anything other than taking pictures, working, sleeping, and the occasional plurk, is right out.

  13. Kara says:

    Weird my mom burnt my telephone on the stove not the oven thou

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