q. make names anonymous
a. a�non�y�mous (adj.) having an unknown or unacknowledged name. <<-- anonymous = nameless. names = the opposite of anonymous. idiot.
q. words filled with insects
a. … imagining writing words that feel filled with insects. rock.
q. lizard blood therapy
a. it’s for lyme disease.
q. pleasuring your boss
a. how about, showing up on time? maybe quit stealing office supplies?
q. platform shoes fucking
a. well, i have the shoes …
q. plotting life
a. i’m plotting mine on the imaginary time axis.
q. that would be cool on a tshirt
a. what? what? what would be cool on a tshirt?
q. cake song lyrics avalanche coming down the mountain
a. no, that was the butthole surfers. idiot.
q. miss selfrighteous pants
a. how rude. well i never. and just who do you think you are, you … you … aolsearcher. hmmph.
q. i fucked liz
a. gee. you’d think i’d remember something like that, but no. which means you are either lying, or you need to try a *lot* harder next time, mmmkay?
q. juicy cockroaches
a. as opposed to the dry, chewy kind?

q. what it feels like to have a penis
a. nancy? this is all your fault. allll your fault.
q. to quit sniffing glue
a. i picked the wrong day, too.
q. lizard dan day
a. dan! we have a day! i did not know that.
q. liz tongue
a.
q. alien reptile sex
a. which leads us to hale bopp will bite who in the ass? which features a poster called friendofsonofturkeyf*cker. small world, man.
q. insane fucking
a. why not check out the those halebopper assbiters? i hear they’re friendly with the turkeyfucker family.
q. “s’il-vous plait”
a. greetings, person from housegate.house.gov, what do you think of those mad photoshop skillz? mad i tell you. mad. besides it’s a metaphor. i found on the internet. by accident. the dog ate my homework. i’m innocent! haven’t you heard of false aralia? look! over there! boobs!
q. boobacious one
a. ahh, the good old days…
(yahoo asks: did you mean boodacious one? no, yahoo, i don’t think so.)
q. i do not expect any luck but bad and know that if gods or spirits exist, they are arrayed against me
a. rock the fuck on. i am so not the only one running around with that quote in my head.
q. pimpin’ at work
a. and yahoo conveniently provides a link using the query to set the worksafe skin. isn’t that sweet?
q. lizards rule the world
a. fuckin’ a we do. oh you betcha.

a. snobs and westlake village
q. what are, things that go together, i.e., counterparts**.

time&tide   cut&dried   tried&true   fast&loose   free&clear   fair&square   rough&ready   slow&steady   quick&dirty   cheap&cheerful   nip&tuck   tuck&roll   duck&cover   dick&jane   kick&scream   chop&change   ball&chain   safe&sound   lost&found   up&around   bow&scrape   short&sweet   aim&fire   live&learn   slash&burn   smash&grab   search&destroy   fear&loathing   bait&switch   cut&print   rank&file   wash&wear   cut&paste   loud&clear   up&up   out&out   spit&polish   serve&volley   search&rescue   chalk&cheese   rack&pinion   hit&run   hit&miss   high&dry   hue&cry   skin&bones   sticks&stones   stars&stripes   stripes&solids   new&improved   dollars&sense   chapter&verse   over&out   out&about   above&beyond   far&away   hope&pray   night&day   swing&sway   down&away   happy&gay   straight&narrow   hide&seek   hunt&peck   rhyme&reason   lock&key   lucy&ricky   moose&squirrel   cats&dogs   tooth&nail   hand&foot   hook&ladder   cloak&dagger   block&tackle   bow&arrow   odds&ends   off&on   dead&gone   hither&yon   heaven&hell   fire&brimstone   flotsam&jetsam   flora&fauna   matter&energy   momentum&inertia   drawn&quartered   tarred&feathered   bound&gagged   bound&determined   thick&thin   kith&kin   barbie&ken   now&again   pins&needles   apples&oranges   bells&whistles   cruel&unusual   charm&strangeness   armed&dangerous   words&music   gin&vermouth   rhythm&blues   socks&shoes   rock&roll   song&dance   smoke&mirrors   shuck&jive   hot&bothered   sugar&spice   cock&bull   beck&call   bump&grind   wine&dine   rise&shine   slap&tickle   stand&deliver   lift&separate   ribbed&lubricated   in&out   fore&aft   give&take   long&hard   over&over   kiss&tell   alive&well   stop&go   high&low   yes&no   touch&go   fast&slow   body&soul   flesh&blood   one&all   pride&joy   peace&love   time&again   over&over
AMEN.

q. what type of lizards are out there?
a. i am. i am out there. there are others, but let’s worry about me first, ok? be afraid.
q. use the word irrepressible in a sentence
a. okay.
q. the inspiration of mosquitoes
a. um. blood?
q. what an autobiography looks like
a. mine looks like this. but i’m kinda different that way.
q. wasting time at work and not getting caught
a. well i never.
q. how does music affects the lizards
a. i can’t speak for all of lizardkind, but i personally would be dead without it.
q. what makes lizards die
a. same thing that makes you die. life.
q. lyrics blackmail radiant carrot
a. i knew this would happen. meet me by the starbucks, we’ll talk. i’ll be the wired, nervous-looking person sucking down strong coffee.

**lovingly transcribed from the cover art of counterparts, which holds endless fascination for this lizard, and which probably got more than a little inspirational assistance from this. the lizard’s google-fu is strong.

i’m sorry, these are just too good.
q. sick of my short fat girlfriend
a. there’s only one thing to do then. Seppuku is highly ritualistic, exquisitely precise and earns you maximum respect from some truly world-class babes.
q. bored beyond words
a. i couldn’t give a shit if i tried.
q. i couldn’t give a shit if i tried.
a. i’m number one! i’m number one!
q. what does gaze mean
a. Kinematic non-locality, or quantum entanglement between the states of separate non-interacting particles, is implied by the symmetrical form of the combined wavefunction that is used to describe many-particle systems. Imagine, for example, two beams of particles, with momenta of p₁ and p₂ respectively, being fired from independent sources (1 & 2); the particles from both sources are detected at two separate locations x₁, and x₂. The combined wavefunction for these particles is, then:

And the probability distribution for position is just the square of this combined wavefunction,

hope that helps.
q. caught pants down humiliations
a. whoa, i’ve never seen one that little.
q. self pleasuring pictures
a. i’m sorry, that’s a passworded area.
q. who am i named after
a. you are an old woman, named after my mother.
q. lyrics and busy and post-it and monday tuesday wednesday
a. [sings] ohhhhh, let’s all get drunk and get naked, let’s all get drunk and get naked, let’s all get drunk and get naaaaaaked … and lay in a great big pile

when there is so much work to be done before monday morning there are always the referrer logs, other than that i am frantically busy trying to afford my life.

q. I know I am behaving badly, but I have every intention of behaving badly. There are certain situations that call for bad behavior.
a. i could not agree more without spraining something.
q. camouflage catsuits
a. i was kidding. honest.
q. sine wave, alien blue eyes
a. hmm. evocative. might need to appropriate that at some point in the future.

q. picture of guy in a towel
a. happy to oblige.
q. how to get a hard body in three weeks
a. the fact your flabby ass got all the way to result number 265 does show some determination, for a lazy idiot that is.
q. hate being a web designer
a. then quit your job you stupid asshole. there are people who love doing this, who need work.
q. it’s perfectly normal.
a. no it isn’t. freak.
q. is fosters beer made in canada
a. yes.
q. ….. to get me a book” was a quote from which book
a. um. what? the fuck?
q. short slogan for a sysadmin
a. have you tried rebooting?
q. lizard crawling reptile indian
a. weird searching abnormal google
q. first panties, then bras
a. no, first bras, then panties. get it right.
q. things to do to a pizza guy
a. first bras, then panties. or was it the other way around? i forget.
q. definition bottomfeeder
a. think about it. bottom. feeder. still confused? try the mirror then.

thanks, jon!

q. meaning of low fuel light and
a. and what? i can’t interpret your low fuel light without additional information. please resubmit query.

q. zen terrorists
a. omg. you have them too? little ninja lookin’ dudes that come sliding down the risers of the shelves and scurry around behind the monitor and fuck with your little zen garden at night? dude. i thought i was the only one.

q. lyrics clowns will eat me
a. now i did not know this was an alice cooper song. but i do now, thanks for asking, and the lyrics are in the lyricbase now.

q. “shaved my arms”
a. “so did i”. but that’s not the real story here. the real story is almost every other thing google finds is some site selling cars or prescriptions or some shit. [cue twilight zone music]…

…and fade. now we are in a darkened room, behind glass, watching the surreal scene as tommy chong gets sentenced to nine months in prison for selling bongs over the internet. and the crowd goes wild! another stunning triumph of truth justice and the american way! the feds are on the job, baby, making sure we are safe to enjoy baseball and hotdogs, apple pies and chevrolets without fear! taxpayer’s hard earned cash, well, spent.

the world is full of crazy people, and idiots. some of them work for the government.

in other news, i am now banned by at least one firewall. i am humbled and honored.

…endlessly fascinating sociological research: the things folks ask google:

q. MOUNTAIN LOINS.COM.
a. dotlizard.com, the the only place on the whole interweb where you can find mountain loins, according to yahoo.

q. lizard therapy
a. i’m fine, really. but thanks.

q. find me words of inspiration
a. hey! these are mine! find your own damn words!

q. the number of pounds of skin you shed in a day
a. oh, it’s … quite a few pounds. quite a few. pounds.

q. is hair living?
a. no. idiot.

q. how to get a lizard alive from your car
a. one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

q. click paranormal sound hear night
a. eerily enough, this request came from around the 460th result, and yet there was no link anywhere within ten pages that led here. so it must have been a para … yeah.

q. can’t see, can’t pee
a. alrighty then, i’ll see what i can do. um, turn your head and cough? oops! ooh, that had to hurt. sorry.

q. lot lizard
a. this is the number one query that leads folks here. do you know what it means? it means truck stop hooker, is what it means. *ahem*

q. panties in a bunch
a. you’d have yours in a bunch too if google kept sending you people looking for lot lizards.

a. lizard sex x-ray
q. what is, when i come up number one on google for lizard sex x-ray because of the answers i posted to previous google queries, does the universe begin collapsing in on itself?

stay tuned. but i’d get under the desk just in case.

ok i can’t resist. i tried. but i can’t. resistance is futile.
q. blogsex � girl in ventura ready for sex
a. hey! where’d you go! come back!
q. if I look down from the second I’d see cookie and say yes please, I mean, I’m gonna take five now, I mean, a 26 hour workday, mmm, I hope I’ll wake to see you !!
a. me too. meeee tooooo.

more important sociological research, courtesy of the folks google sends us:

q. Mr Sun blink his eyes at me Oh! that’s nonsense, now you are talking foolish she said.
a. funny, i said that very same thing, just this morning. wait, no i didn’t. my mistake.
q. “idiot mode” fuck
a. i knew before i clicked this one, i’d be number one. sure enough.
q. What’s life like in Reems?
a. well, i doubt you’d find that information in a page entitled “pimpin’ like a madwoman“, but nice try.
q. lizard hope
a. it’s better for lizards not to get their hopes up
q. short midgets
a. nope. too easy.
q. midgets with dogs
a. oh how i wish i could believe this is a search for an appropriate pet for a little person. (aside: i knew the consequences when i posted that rambling tangent inspired by a prøn spam subject line, and i’m not complaining. just trippin’.)